02.45am: still awake. Earlier, I accidentally hit the edge of my phone against the table. Not on purpose, but hard enough. I’m grateful that only the tempered glass cracked. Still, it feels like a sign. Or maybe I just want to believe it is?
I’ve always been (trying to be) careful with my things. I usually only buy a new gadget after five years, or more. My last phone was from 2019, and I only replaced it at the end of 2025. And now, just now, I cracked my new one, despite it being only two months old. So, what’s going on with me?
There’s too much on my mind lately. Mostly heavy, unsettling thoughts. Maybe that’s why I’m still awake now at almost 4am. Not because I don’t want to sleep, but because I can’t. Or maybe… because I’m avoiding it.
I barely have any energy left. I go out only because work requires me to, out of responsibility and nothing more. I’ve been verbally attacked by several people. I feel like a shield, a punching bag for a system I’ve felt misaligned with for a long time. For now, I remain within it, as part of the role I hold.
What hurts the most, though, is after trying to stand on the side of this very system, I was also verbally attacked by the one who created it. By someone who is supposed to be my close friend. Surprise, surprise.
I’ve been trying to leave for the past two or three years. But there are consequences I’d have to bear, and right now, I’m not capable of carrying them. Oh dear.
